Sometimes counselling can help before communication stops altogether
Not all family estrangement counselling begins after contact has already been lost.
Sometimes there is an opportunity to intervene earlier.
Consider the fictional example of Susan, who lives on the Kāpiti Coast.
Susan had become increasingly worried about her relationship with her 32-year-old daughter, Olivia, who lived in Wellington.
They had always been close, but during the previous year something had changed.
Olivia seemed irritated by Susan’s questions and took longer to reply to messages. Visits became less frequent. When Susan asked whether something was wrong, Olivia would say she was busy or that her mother worried too much.
Susan became frightened that she was losing her daughter.
That fear affected how she behaved.
If Olivia did not reply to a message, Susan sent another. If there was still no response, she might telephone. She began asking her husband whether he thought Olivia was angry with her and questioning other relatives about what Olivia had said.
Eventually Olivia told her:
“I need you to stop checking up on me all the time. I need some space.”
Susan heard those words as a warning that complete estrangement might be coming.
She felt panicked.
Her instinct was to explain herself immediately. She wanted Olivia to understand that everything she did came from love and concern.
She drafted a long email explaining her intentions.
Then she stopped.
Instead of sending it, Susan sought counselling.
That created an opportunity to look at what was happening before positions became more entrenched.
Susan began to recognise that her fear of losing Olivia was causing her to pursue the relationship more intensely, while Olivia’s response to feeling crowded was to withdraw further. The more Olivia withdrew, the more frightened Susan became. The more frightened Susan became, the more she contacted Olivia.
Neither was necessarily trying to hurt the other, but together they had become caught in a pattern that could potentially push them further apart.
Counselling helped Susan sit with some extremely uncomfortable feelings: anxiety, rejection, helplessness and the fear that giving her daughter space might mean losing her altogether.
It also helped her think about the difference between maintaining a loving connection and trying to control the outcome.
Susan decided not to send the long explanatory email.
Instead, after some time, she sent a much shorter message acknowledging that she had heard Olivia’s request for space and would respect it, while making clear that she loved her and was available when Olivia was ready.
There was no instant transformation.
But the relationship did not end.
Over time their contact resumed more naturally, and Susan became better able to manage her anxiety without requiring Olivia to reassure her constantly.
This is an important aspect of work involving family estrangement.
Sometimes counselling is about coping with an estrangement that has already happened. At other times, seeking help when a relationship is becoming increasingly strained can provide an opportunity to understand the emotional patterns involved before silence and distance become firmly established.