When stepping back brings relief, guilt and grief at the same time
Consider the story of Rachel, a fictional but familiar example.
Rachel is 38 and lives in Hamilton with her partner and two young children. Her mother lives in Auckland.
For many years Rachel had what she described as a “complicated” relationship with her mother. They spoke regularly and there was genuine love between them, but Rachel often came away from their conversations feeling criticised, guilty or inadequate.
After Rachel had children, the tensions became harder to manage. Her mother had strong views about parenting and struggled when Rachel made different choices. Small disagreements could quickly turn into arguments about respect, gratitude and everything her mother had done for her growing up.
Rachel tried setting boundaries. Sometimes things improved, but before long the old patterns returned.
Eventually, after one particularly difficult weekend together, Rachel told her mother that she needed some space and would not be in contact for a while.
At first Rachel felt enormous relief.
Then came the guilt.
She wondered whether she was being cruel or selfish. She worried about her mother being alone. She imagined what relatives might be saying about her and dreaded being asked why the children were no longer seeing their grandmother.
There was anger too. Why did Rachel have to take such a drastic step simply to feel emotionally safe?
But underneath the anger was grief.
Rachel missed parts of her relationship with her mother. She remembered shopping trips, family holidays and conversations when they had laughed together for hours. Creating distance had not erased the love or the good memories.
This is one of the difficult realities of family estrangement. The person who initiates distance does not necessarily feel happier or certain about the decision. Relief can exist alongside sadness. Anger can sit beside love. Someone may believe a boundary is necessary while still desperately wishing things could have been different.
Counselling gave Rachel somewhere to explore those conflicting feelings without being told either that she should reconcile with her mother or that she should permanently cut her out of her life.
She began to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and to think more clearly about what kind of relationship, if any, she might eventually be able to have with her mother.
The immediate goal was not reconciliation.
It was helping Rachel understand her feelings and make decisions from a calmer and more considered place.