Sibling estrangement can mean losing part of your history as well as a relationship
Consider the story of Michael and David, two fictional brothers who grew up together in Dunedin.
As children they shared a bedroom, played rugby for the same club and spent summers with their family in Central Otago.
As adults their lives moved in different directions. Michael settled in Christchurch while David remained in Dunedin. They still saw each other at Christmas and family occasions and would probably have described themselves as close.
That changed as their parents became older.
Michael believed David was not doing enough to help. David felt Michael, who lived several hours away, was constantly telling him what should be done without understanding what day-to-day life was really like.
Neither brother said much about these frustrations until their father became seriously ill.
Then years of resentment surfaced in one explosive argument.
David accused Michael of disappearing when the family needed him. Michael replied that David had spent years controlling their parents and excluding everyone else.
Afterwards, neither called.
Months became years.
Their mother was devastated. Other family members tried to remain neutral. Their children, once close cousins, gradually stopped seeing one another.
Michael told people he no longer cared. But that was not really true.
He was angry, certainly. He felt betrayed and unfairly judged. But he also missed his brother.
When he saw photographs of their childhood, the loss could catch him unexpectedly. At other times he would think about something funny that had happened years ago and realise David was the only other person who would remember it.
Family occasions became particularly difficult.
Who would attend their mother’s birthday? What would happen at Christmas? If one brother was invited to a wedding, would the other stay away?
Michael found himself alternating between wanting to contact David and deciding that he would never expose himself to being hurt like that again.
Sibling estrangement can create a particular kind of loss. A brother or sister may be one of the few people who has known us throughout almost our entire life. When that relationship disappears, people can feel that they have lost not only someone they love but also someone who shares their history.
Counselling did not require Michael to decide immediately whether to contact David.
Instead, it allowed him to work through his anger, sadness, loyalty to his parents and fear of rejection.
He began to understand how the conflict had developed over many years and how both brothers had become locked into particular roles within their family.
Whether or not the relationship was eventually repaired, Michael could start to carry it differently.